You're My Little Teapot

Using both hands and all the strength she could muster, Audrey picked Daniel up by the handle.

"Hey!" Daniel said. "You're going to spill me!"

"You're my little teapot, short and stout," Audrey sang. "I like your handle, I like your spout. When you get all steamed up, then I shout..."

"Don't do it! I'm too heavy, and I like my insides just the way they are," Daniel said.

"But I really need a cup of tea," Audrey said.

"Fine, go ahead," Daniel said. "But just a small cup. Promise me."

"I promise," Audrey said.

Audrey rolled up her sleeves. "TIP ME OVER AND..." she began to belt out.

"Stop! You're having too much fun with this," Daniel said. "Don't you miss back when I hadn't turned into a teapot?"

"Of course I do," Audrey said. "That's why we have to get all the tea out of you. Once you're not filled with tea, we can squish and collapse your teapot walls until you're back to a normal human shape again."

"That sounds so painful!" Daniel said.

"Teapots don't feel pain," Audrey said. "Think of getting squished as being hugged very tightly by me. I know you like snuggling. You'll enjoy it."

"Easy for you to say," Daniel said. "You're not the one who's a teapot. How did this happen to me, anyway? My memory of it is so foggy."

"Well, we were in Koreatown," Audrey said. "Remember when we were at Voodoo Cafe, that place with the cheese waffles? You said to the lady behind the counter, 'Make me a pot of tea,' which I found very strange. I was so surprised to hear you say that. Didn't you know what you were getting into?"

"I wanted to drink tea, not become a teapot," Daniel said.

"Well, why didn't you just say so?" Audrey said.

Daniel sighed. "What I should have done is just given in and gotten a cheese waffle."

"You're lucky she didn't turn you into a cheese waffle," Audrey said. "Because I might have eaten you by now. I've been so hungry lately."

"We have to go back to that place," Daniel said. "If that woman was able to turn me into a teapot, she should be able to turn me back into a human, right?"


"Sorry, no refunds," the woman at the counter of Voodoo Cafe said.

"I don't want a refund," Daniel said. "I'm fine with paying for this. I just want you to make me a human being again."

"We don't make human beings here," the woman said. "We only make tea and cheese waffles. Do you want me to make you a cheese waffle?"

"No!" Daniel shouted. "Audrey, let's get out of here! Pick me up and take me out the front door!"

Audrey lifted her teapot husband by the handle. She struggled with the weight of all his tea, but she got him out of the cafe.

"Maybe it's time to accept this," she said to Daniel. "Maybe this is how we're meant to be. Through sickness and health, right? I'll take care of you. I can even fill you with hot water whenever your tea starts to run low."

"There's got to be a way for me to become myself again," Daniel said.


"Are you sure this is going to work?" Audrey said.

"Not at all," Daniel said. "But we have to try. Go ahead and put the coffee in."

"Coffee really doesn't belong in a teapot," Audrey said. "But I'll do it if that's what you really want." She lifted Daniel's lid and emptied the giant can of coffee into her teapot husband. Then she poured the bucket of hot water into him. Seeing that he was okay, she repeated the process, dipping the bucket into the hot jacuzzi to fill it over and over.

"Coffee constricts blood vessels," Daniel said. "I think it's working. I can feel my sides tightening."

A thick column of steam rose from Daniel's spout. Audrey backed away to avoid getting burned. As the steam escaped Daniel, the rigid walls of his teapot body softened and shrank until he was back to his human shape again.

"That was unpleasant," Daniel said. "I'm never going to Voodoo Cafe again. I'm so glad to be back."

He looked down at his body and moved his arms around. He wiggled his legs. Sure enough, he was back to being a man.

Then he looked up at Audrey. Her midsection was swelling up in every direction. One of her arms had become rounded and affixed to her waist.

"I think I'm the teapot now," she said.

Daniel gasped in horror. "Fuck. What are we going to do?"

"I'm not sure, honey," Audrey said. "The bigger question in my mind right now is: Do you want a cup of tea?" She smiled and tipped.

Last Updated: 9/9/2018, 1:09:57 AM